Impact Stories
THIS IS MY STORY By Allyson Johansen
Growing up living in my biological family’s home was pretty difficult. There was a lot of domestic violence and abuse directed toward my mother, my siblings, and myself. I struggled on a daily basis with trying to survive. When I was 11, I started using several different coping skills like drinking, skipping school, running away, sneaking around, and cutting. Now you’re probably wondering why would someone cut themselves, wouldn’t that hurt? Well for me it didn’t hurt. I was hurting so much inside that I would cut to try and get all that emotional pain out. Even though there is scaring from the cuts I can look back at them and remember the strength I have when I am struggling to get through the day. As time went on I found myself needing to cut, sort of like an addiction, like I couldn’t get through the day or at times even the hour. It took a lot of time, effort and support to get to the point I am at today. I haven’t cut for almost 5 years but I do struggle with urges and even flashbacks of wanting to go back to cutting. The summer after fourth grade was when I started going with my brother to parties and hanging out with the tougher crowd. I had a difficult time with authority and often times found myself in detention or out of school suspension. By the time, I was 14 I had moved in with my half sister to take care of both my sister and my premature baby nephew. That is when they decided that I would be transferring schools and staying with her to take care of my nephew and go to school, hoping that with the change I would be able to stay out of trouble. However that backfired, I began struggling more and was failing school, selling my meds, and hanging out with the tougher group of my peers.
At the end of my 9th grade year, I was asked to be a live-in babysitter for a family that lived next door to me when I lived with my biological family. I accepted the opportunity and moved to Breckenridge with them. After a couple of months, I told them about all the abuse, ranging from emotional to sexual I withstood on a daily basis with my biological parents. After our talk, they told me they would do everything they could to keep me from having to go back there. It was then that social services got involved and they thought it would be best that I go to Prairie St. Johns, a psychiatric hospital in Fargo. While I was there, they decided I would be placed in a PATH foster home in hopes of reunification with my biological parents.
On August 6, 2004, I was placed in my first foster home. Being their first foster child, things did not go very well. They had four children of their own and thought they would be able to handle a foster child, but as time went on it became more and more obvious that they were not ready to parent a teenager with the problems I was learning to cope with. I acted out behaviorally and continued using negative coping skills to deal with my problems. I had a lot of emotional highs and lows. I continued running away, skipping school. I would refuse to eat, which most people usually don’t understand, but I felt like it was the only thing I could control. I was cutting more often, and was withdrawing from being with the family more. When I found I was isolating myself more it made it very difficult to function. I began to go into a deeper depression, which made it difficult to let people know how I felt and what was going on. I felt like nothing mattered anymore and I didn’t deserve the help anyone was offering. I found avoiding people was safer than allowing myself to get close to someone and get hurt again. In the 3 months of living there, I was taken by law enforcement to shelter care on four different occasions and went to respite every weekend to allow both the foster family and myself to have a break from each other. I was very unhappy and not making progress toward my goals. During the first couple months of being in foster care the social workers decided that reunification was not a realistic goal at that time. Instead they started working on placing me in long-term foster care.
However, on the fourth visit to shelter care, I refused to go back to the foster home and so my social workers began looking for a new family that would be more equipped to help. After only a few days I was finally given a new family. Obviously I still had the problems that I had before, but this time things seemed like they were going to be different. They approached my struggles with humor, love, calmness, and understanding. I still struggled with my extreme emotional ups and downs, was cutting quite regularly, and had a lot of built up emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. This landed me back in Prairie St. Johns before Christmas. I was there for about a week and to my surprise, they actually wanted me back. I was brought back home and made it through Christmas, which happens to be a very difficult time of year for me. After about two months, I was admitted to Prairie St. Johns again for the fourth time. This time however was different, I wanted to stay in a locked facility for safety and protection from my biological father fearing what he would do to me if one day I would see him in a public place, so in my desperation I cut myself and ended up staying longer. I was determined to get sent somewhere else but my new mom and dad didn’t want to see that happen. They fought for me and wanted me back which was amazing considering the effort I put into trying to push them away, but they were not willing to allow that to happen. It seemed like the more I pushed them away, the more they wanted me to come home. They were the first people who refused to give up on me because they really loved me and cared about me. There were several family meetings, at each they hoped they could take me home, but that didn’t happen until a month and a half. On March 14th I was finally discharged. I was able to go back to the place I now considered home. It was nice to have a place to go where I knew I would be loved unconditionally. When I returned home I still had my problems but had some new coping skills like journaling, using relaxation music, and being a little more comfortable with talking about problems I was struggling all along, but I had parents who were skilled to help me and teach me how to be successful. It was really hard at times but when it seemed to be the worst day ever, thinking I couldn’t make it through, I knew I could turn to my mom and dad and they would be there for me.
Through the past 6 years Jeff and Jeri have stood by me through some of my toughest decisions. For the first couple of years I wanted a relationship with my biological mother more than anything, but she was unable to make decisions to be healthy. She sided with my biological father and denied the abuse that took place while I was living with them even though she too was a victim to the abuse and she witnessed the abuse toward her four children. Therefore, after a lot of disappointment, anger, tears, and heartbreak I decided I was ready to move on with my life and establish the fact that I have a new family and a new mom and dad. Finally I am able to feel like I belong to a real family and am a valued person.
Since being blessed with wonderful parents and a great family, I have been able to be successful in many different aspects of my life. I have been able to reach a healthy weight and with my parents and social workers help and support, I am able to remain free of cutting for the past five years. I was able to take behind the wheel and get my driver’s license, and with my dad’s help was able to attend a Sheriff’s auction and buy my first car. They have been there for me through my high school graduation, and I was able to stay at home while going to college for my first two years. Currently I’m living in my own apartment and still going to college. They have helped me with learning how to run my own finances and make a budget. I am now certified as a CNA, and had worked in a local nursing home over the summer months. For me going outside was not something I enjoyed but a year after moving in I started hunting. The first year I did not carry a weapon I just enjoyed being there and spending time with my family. The following years I was able to carry a gun and with my dad’s help, I was able to buy my own bow and love hunting and practicing at the range. Both my mom and dad have been willing to help me whenever I have needed them. I still have a close relationship with my (foster) parents, and the 19 brothers and sisters I have had since being in foster care.
It was while in my first foster home that I started going to church and attending youth group. From this, I found that Christ could help me when I didn’t think I had anyone. At times, I found it was very difficult to put my trust in God and asking him “why did he let all this happen to me?” Then when I moved to Jeff and Jeri’s I started attending church, teaching AWANA, participating in drama productions and singing. During the past several years I have slipped in my faith and questioned God and wondered if God even existed but in the end I realize that I need God in my life and things go better when I am following him.
